New Year's Reflections

Every time a new year rolls around, we make our list for all of the things we want to change or make better. Some people vow to stop eating junk food, exercise more, and some people decide to change their attitudes, or even their jobs. However, there are some people like myself, who just wish that sunshine and happiness will find their way into the coming year. The last two years of my life have been filled with bump after bump and shrouded with sadness, death, rebirth, and learning to live a new way of life. In 2013, I came face-to-face with cancer and watched as it grabbed a hold of my mother and she wilted from me. I quit my job in June of that year and worked part-time, which allowed me more time to spend with her. I savored every moment that I could with her as cancer ravaged. I saw her the day before she died, squeezed her hand and told her I loved her and it would be ok. I could not be with her when she took her final sweet breaths of life. I chose to remember her in the day when her cheeks were pink with happiness and her smile warmed any bad day I had . I chose to keep those memories close to my heart. A few shorts months after mom died, my dad left this world tragically to join mom in heaven. I held his hand and kissed his forehead as I know his mother, Josephine, came down, scooped him up and brought him home. Even after my miscarriage a few months later, I promised myself that I would do the best I could to go on. I promised my mom I would continue my life, and to make sure that happiness remained no matter what adversity I was met with. I sustained and moved slowly through the last two years because my parents taught me about courage and standing up, and no letting anything get the best of me. The last two years have also been a scary time, when I feel my wobbly feet start to become firm and planted, shooting up like an Oak tree and I realize I am now totally in control of my life and no longer have my parents as my wingmen. It has been during these past few years that I finally realized, I may not have my wingmen, but when they left this earth, they gave me their wings, so I could fly. They gave me a great gift of a future with no boundaries, no nets; just freedom. This year, I added two beautiful memory ornaments to my Christmas Tree. I bought silver wings for mom, and gold wings for dad.

I learned on my new grief journey last year that I am not alone. I met many people who have taken the same journey through grief. Myself, as well as several other people I met in France at the writing retreat had recently lost their fathers. Somehow, we met thousands of miles from our grief, joined together, and opened up our notebooks and let grief in. When we did, we opened up the battle scar, we examined its uniqueness, and saw it had beauty. It had merit, and having it made us warriors for the future. I bonded with my sweet grief warriors and will always hold a special place in my heart for my friends, and the beauty of friendship and laughter, which we all really needed. One of the beautiful ladies I met in France was Nannie Flores. She too, had lost her father to cancer last year, and has a mother who was diagnosed with cancer as well. As the New Year approached, Nannie made her own reflections on grief and the past few years and has gratefully allowed me to share her message: “In 2013, both my parents got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I painstakingly watched my mother lose her hair, her crowning glory. And I held my dad's skeletal hands as he slowly drifted away in eternal sleep. I had to be strong for my family, especially my then 10-year-old brother. 2014 was a little less morbid. I met my soulmate, climbed Mount Pulag, bought my first car, traveled Europe alone, went to a writer's retreat in the French countryside and started a new, more challenging career. I've come to learn that once you've hit rock bottom, there is no way to go but up. May 2015 give us all the driving force to move forward Oh, and hug your parents today, and every day from here on out.”

We should take the beautiful memories of the people we love and imagine the New Year as a promise from our loved ones above to help guide us to good things. “Where there is death, there is life.” Let beauty and happiness come back into your life and sunshine will soon find its way to your cheeks and sink into the new holes in your heart. Happy New Year Friends!